


hope you know

by jetplane



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cancer, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Hospitalization, M/M, Major Illness, Marriage Proposal, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romantic Friendship, Secrets, Sick Character, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24952951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jetplane/pseuds/jetplane
Summary: When Reid is diagnosed with cancer, he finds himself relying on Hotch for care and support. But spending so much time together forces each man to confront the feelings he has for the other, and it's only a matter of time before their friendship evolves into something more.(This story begins around season 6 or 7 of Criminal Minds, after Emily Prentiss's "death" but before her return.)
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 69
Kudos: 251





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Serier4Ever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serier4Ever/gifts).



Dr. Spencer Reid stares at a piece of paper. It’s covered in words, but there are only three that he can see.

**acute myeloid leukemia**

It’s the diagnosis he’s been seeking, the explanation for all his symptoms. The fatigue that no amount of coffee could fully wash away. The darkening circles under his eyes and the hollowing of his cheeks that had the rest of the team whispering behind his back about a relapse. The headaches that Emily had taken as a secret to her grave. Most importantly, it’s the absolute, concrete proof that there’s something physically wrong with Spencer.

The revelation is so strange that Reid laughs aloud. He’d always feared that his mother’s genes would be his downfall, slowly altering the shape and chemistry of his brain until it took from him everything he loved. But instead, he was being betrayed by his own DNA, turned against him in an attempt to take over his body. It would get to his brain soon enough, Reid was sure, but now it was out for blood.

The oncologist behind her desk breaks off her monologue on chemotherapy and stem cell transplants and targeted drug therapies. “Dr. Reid?” she asks. “I understand this is a lot to take in. Do you need a moment to process? I can also refer you to a counselor who specializes in treating-”

“No,” Spencer interrupts with a firm shake of the head. He’s aware, somehow for the first time, just how much this office looks like the hospital waiting room in Boston. Emily died in that hospital. Is he going to die in a hospital, too? “I’m sorry, but I have to go.” Reid pushes his chair back, nearly knocking it over as he stands up before stopping to pick up the messenger bag resting on the floor. “Thank you for everything, doctor.”

“Dr. Reid!” the doctor calls out in alarm. “Dr. Reid, I know this is difficult, but we need to discuss treatment options before-”

Reid closes the office door behind him and hurries away.

-

Two hours later, Reid finds himself being waved through the full-body scanner by a TSA employee. He’d gone straight home from the hospital to pick up his go bag and a few other things. Then he’d driven to the airport and bought a ticket for the next flight to Las Vegas.

He grabs his bag off the conveyor belt and scoops his loose possessions out of a small plastic bin. As he returns his phone and wallet to his pockets, Reid can’t help but wonder how many microbes he’s exposing himself to. He knows no reputable doctor would recommend he get on a plane in his current condition, certainly not without face masks and disinfectant wipes and nitrile gloves. And all he has is a half-empty bottle of hand sanitizer that is quite possibly expired. Reid tries to calculate his risk of contracting a serious infection as he rubs some of the antibacterial gel between his fingers. He knows for sure that it’s higher than his chances of getting leukemia (1.5 percent) or schizophrenia (10 percent). Probably closer to his chances of Alzheimer’s (50 percent). It’s not an encouraging thought.

The numbers run through his head as he carries his luggage across the terminal to his gate. The area is already crowded with other passengers, and ordinarily, Spencer would join them in squeezing into an uncomfortable chair until boarding was called. But instead, he digs his cell phone out of his pocket and scrolls through his contacts list until he gets to the H’s. His finger hesitates for only a second before he makes the call.

Hotch picks up almost before the phone has a chance to ring. “SSA Aaron Hotchner,” the man replies.

“Hi, Hotch,” Reid says. “It’s Reid.”

“Reid?” Aaron echoes. “Is everything alright?”

Spencer deliberately avoids the question. “I need some time off,” he answers instead. “I’m at the airport on the way to Las Vegas.”

“Is it your mom?” Hotch asks. “Did something happen?”

“Yeah, uh, the doctor called me and told me that I should come in.” It’s technically not a lie, just an incredibly misleading take on the truth. “I’m not really sure how long I’m going to be gone.”

“Don’t worry about it. You can take all the time you need,” Hotch assures him. “Is there anything the team can do for you in the meantime?”

Reid considers telling his boss the truth for only a moment before quashing that urge. “No, I have it under control. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“Okay,” Aaron replies. “Tell your mom that we all hope she gets well soon.”

“I will,” Spencer says. “My flight is boarding soon. I should go.”


	2. Chapter 2

When his flight touches down, Reid reluctantly turns his cell phone back on. He has no doubt that his friends have already tried to reach out to him to offer their support, and he dreads having to respond to their messages. But he knows that they’ll only worry more if they don’t hear from him. So as Spencer waits at the baggage claim, he listens through all his team’s messages. Then he sends each of his friends a text assuring them that he’s made it safely to Las Vegas. He hopes that these responses will keep him off his back for a few days. Then he takes a car to a nearby hotel to book a room.

Spencer lies awake for a long time that night. It’s not the noise of the city or the unfamiliar hotel mattress or any of the usual things that bother him when he’s sleeping somewhere new. No, what keeps him awake is the haunting realization that his body is turning against him at this very moment. That every moment he lies in bed, more cancer cells are growing in his blood vessels. It would be so easy for one of those vessels to just break, spilling his diseased blood into every cavity of his body. He could bleed out in this hotel room, alone, without anyone even knowing where he is. For a while, Reid just stares at the ceiling as he imagines what would happen - who would find him, what they would do, what his friends and family would think. But eventually, exhaustion wins out and he succumbs to a deep, dreamless slumber.

-

Reid wakes up to sunlight streaming through his blinds, and it takes him a moment to remember that he’s not at home. It takes him another to remember why, and when he does, the realization hits hard. For a while he just lies in bed, fighting waves of panic and dizziness and nausea and exhaustion.

When he’s finally able to get out of bed, Reid immediately crosses the room and picks his phone up off the desk. He scrolls through his contacts and makes a call. “Bennington Sanitarium,” says the voice on the other end. “How can I help you?”

“Hi, uh, this is Dr. Spencer Reid. My mother, Diana Reid, is a patient?” he asks. The woman he’s talking to sounds vaguely familiar, but he can’t recall her name.

“Dr. Reid, of course!” Her chipper voice gives Spencer an instant headache. “What can I do for you?”

“I just wanted to know how my mother is doing today,” he says. “I’m in town at the moment, and I was hoping to stop by for a visit.”

“Of course,” she says again. “I can check on her condition if you give me just one moment.”

“Okay,” Reid replies. “I’ll wait.”

He sits quietly, examining the wallpaper as he waits. Finally, the woman comes back on the line. “Dr. Reid? Are you still there?”

“I am,” he affirms.

“Alright. Well, unfortunately, it sounds like your mother is having a bit of a rough morning. I’ve been told that she still hasn’t taken her morning medications yet, and her delusions are presenting as more severe than usual. I’m sorry.”

“Oh.” Spencer swallows hard.

“You can still visit her if you’d like,” the woman offers. “It’s possible that seeing you will help her to calm down.”

“No, um, that’s okay,” Reid replies. “I can - I’ll call back another day and see if she’s better then. Thank you.”

Spencer bites his lip hard as he hangs up the phone. He knows it isn’t rational, that he really ought to be able to take care of his own issues instead of running to his mom for comfort. Especially when his mother was a paranoid schizophrenic who realistically, couldn’t do anything for him. It wasn’t like she’d be able to drive him to doctor’s appointments or keep track of his treatments or cook dinner for him when he got too weak to take care of himself. In all likelihood, she wouldn’t even remember his diagnosis in a few weeks. But sitting alone in his hotel room, Reid just wants someone, anyone, to take care of him.

-

It takes three more days before Diana Reid is lucid enough for visiting. During that time, Spencer doesn’t leave his hotel room. The closest thing he has to a routine are his calls to Bennington and for room service. He spends most of his time lying in bed, too exhausted to move. It’s hard for him to tell how much of the fatigue is caused by his deteriorating mental state compared to his caffeine withdrawal or failing blood cells. It’s even harder for him to try to care.

At Bennington, Reid is greeted by the same woman he’d spoken to over the phone. He quickly reintroduces himself and then makes his way to the common room he’s visited many times over the years. Diana is sitting by herself in one corner of the room, staring out the window and occasionally scribbling something down in her journal. Spencer watches her for a few moments before he approaches.

She smiles as soon as she sees him. “Spencer,” Diana says warmly, getting up from her chair to hug her son. “They told me you were going to visit, but I didn’t know when.”

“Hi, mom.” Reid leans into the embrace, taking in the familiar scent of his mother’s shampoo as it brushes against his face. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner.”

“Well, I’m very glad you’re here now,” she replies. She leads her son to sit down in a chair beside her. “Did you just solve a case? You’ll have to tell me all about it.”

“Actually, um, I’m not here on a case.” Spencer nervously brushes a lock of hair from in front of his eyes. “I decided to take a few days off from work, so I came here just to visit you.”

His mom frowns. “Spencer, what’s wrong?”

He can’t bring himself to deny her observation, so he deflects. “Why does something have to be wrong for me to visit you?”

Diana just shakes her head. “Don’t try to confuse me,” she chides gently. “A mother knows when something is wrong.” She reaches out and takes out one of his hands, examining a wrist that is noticeably bonier than the last time her son visited. “Why did you _really_ come here?”

Reid sighs. He looks out the window at his mother’s view of Las Vegas and imagines what it would be like to spend the rest of his life in the city he was born. “You’re right,” he admits. “I’m struggling.”

“Oh, my poor baby,” Diana murmurs, reaching out to hug her son again. “Is it about your friend Emily? I’m so sorry you lost her.”

“No, it’s-” Spencer falters. He suddenly wonders if he should explain the situation to an orderly so they could be prepared if his mother had an extreme reaction. But that would require him to disclose his diagnosis to a stranger before his mother, and that felt worse than a lie. “It’s me. There’s something I need to tell you.” She gives him a nod, encouraging her son to continue. “I have cancer. Leukemia.”

Diana pulls away from her son suddenly. She stares at him with an expression that could be surprise or concern, although her flat affect makes it impossible for Spencer to tell which. Reid just waits, letting her take all the time she needs to process. “Are you sure?” she finally asks.

Reid nods. “I’m sure,” he replies.

“Is it...bad?” Diana ventures. She takes Spencer’s hand again, holding it noticeably more gently than before. “How long have you known?”

“Not long. Just a few days,” Reid responds. “And...I don’t know. It might be.”

His mother sighs and strokes his face. “I’m so sorry, baby,” she whispers. She wraps her arms around Spencer’s too-thin shoulders once again. They stay like that for a long time.

-

At some point, Diana releases her son from the embrace to study his face. She shakes her head. “You shouldn’t be here. You need to go.”

“What?” Reid asks in surprise, worried that his mother might have slipped into a hallucination. “Mom, it’s just me. Spencer.”

“I know,” she replies. “But you shouldn’t be here. I don’t like you being all alone.”

“I’m not alone,” Spencer says, giving her a smile that says don’t-be-ridiculous. “I have you.”

Diana shakes her head. “You know what I mean. I’m not going to be able to take care of you. Not like you’ll need.”

“You want me...to leave?” he asks in surprise. “You want me to go back to Virginia?”

“I don’t want you to leave, my love,” Diana murmurs softly. She strokes his hand. “I miss you all the time. But I need you to be safe. I need you to be safe.”

Spencer takes a deep breath as he thoughtfully runs his fingers across the edge of his chair. He knows rationally that she’s right. As much as he wishes it wasn’t true, right now he needs his friends more than he needs his mom. He’d flown all this way because he just needed to hear her say it. “I wish I could stay,” he finally admits.

“I know, my dear,” his mother says. “I know.”

“I’ll write to you every day,” he promises. “And I’ll call you. So you won’t have to worry about me.”

Diana smiles. “I’ll always worry about you, Spencer. It’s what a mother does.” She gently helps him stand up and gives him one last hug. “I love you, Spencer. Go home.”

-

When he can finally pull himself back together, Spencer purchases a plane ticket. He chooses a flight that leaves late the next afternoon, hoping to be able to make one last visit to Bennington before he departs. But when he calls in the morning, he’s told that Diana Reid is not able to have visitors. They say that she’s been agitated since he left and they feel his presence would only upset her further.

Reid swallows back waves of guilt and considers postponing his flight. He desperately wants to see his mother again, and he feels awful for leaving so soon. But he knows what she wants. So he gets on his plane and flies back home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: brief mentions of blood and a (very) cursory reference to past drug use

Hotch is working in his office when his cell phone rings. He doesn’t have the number saved in his contacts, and for a moment he considers letting it go to voicemail. But then he notices the Las Vegas area code, and he figures it must be Reid. So he answers the phone. “Hello?” he asks. “Spencer?”

“Agent Hotchner?” The voice belongs to an older woman.

“Yes,” Aaron says slowly, brow furrowing in confusion. “Who is this?”

“My name is Diana Reid. I’m Spencer’s mother,” the woman says.

Hotch blinks a few times. “Oh,” he finally replies. “Yes, I remember meeting you. What, um, what can I do for you, ma’am?”

“I just want to know how Spencer is doing,” Diana tells him.

“I’m sorry?” Hotch says.

“Is Spencer okay?” she asks. “I told him to call me, but you know how he is. So independent. Never wants to ask for help.”

“I, uh, yes, I do,” Aaron says confusedly. “But Spencer is in Las Vegas.” Reid had texted him yesterday saying as much.

“No, he left two days ago,” Diana replies. “He didn’t tell you he was coming home?”

“Oh,” Hotch says. “No, he didn’t.”

Spencer’s mother lets out a sigh that could be heard through the phone. When she speaks again, it’s with a strange urgency. “Agent Hotchner, I know you don’t know me very well, but I know that you care for my son. It would mean the world to me if you could check on him,” Diana says. “He doesn’t want to admit it, but he needs you more than you know. Please help him.” She hangs up abruptly, leaving Hotch listening to nothing but the sound of his own breathing.

He puts his cell phone down, head spinning in bewilderment, and tries to consider the facts. Part of him doesn’t want to believe Diana. He knows that she experiences frequent delusions and could hardly be considered a reliable source of information. But Aaron’s gut instincts tell him that she’s telling the truth. And that means that Spencer is lying to him.

His first thought is that there has to be a simple explanation. _Maybe Reid just wants a few days off, and he doesn’t want to have to explain it to anyone_ , Aaron thinks. After all, Spencer was still grieving Emily. Aaron could hardly fault him for needing a break. _Or maybe he’s been in contact with the rest of the team since he got back from Las Vegas. You’re just his boss. He doesn’t owe you anything._ The thought stings for a minute before he pushes it aside. _Now is not the time to deal with your Spencer issues_ , he chides himself.

Hotch didn’t know quite what his feelings were for the young genius. He cared for Reid, as he did the rest of his team, but it went deeper than that. It fell somewhere between the way he loved Haley, the way he cared for Jack, and the way he was bonded to Sean. And that confused him immensely.

Some days, Aaron convinced himself that he didn’t know the real Reid at all. That he was just his supervisor, never his friend, or anything more. That in his loneliness, he had made up a Reid-shaped character in his brain. An ideal who was perfect and could never cheat or lie or steal, who would be a good father and role model to Jack and the perfect partner to Aaron. It made Hotch feel a little better about his tumultuous thoughts, to think that he only cared for that version of Reid. That would mean that it didn’t matter what he felt for the man in his head. Because he didn’t exist.

But the worry in Hotch’s chest is very much real. And he figures Diana’s call is a valid enough justification to visit Spencer. So after a few more moments of contemplation, he sends a text to Jessica.

**I might be late in picking up Jack tonight. I’m going to check on one of my agents after work.**

-

Spencer startles awake. His head feels fuzzy and he realizes he’s lying on the couch. Outside, the sky has turned almost completely dark. He must have dozed off while reading.

Reid shakes his head to himself and pushes himself upright to move his book from the floor to the coffee table. His head spins a little from sitting up too quickly. Spencer is just getting up when he hears a knock on the door. That must have been why he woke up. He starts to head for the door.

“Spencer?” Reid freezes when he hears his name. The voice is unmistakably Hotch’s.

Spencer considers hiding for a moment before realizing that the light in his living room is visible through the blinds. So he quickly pinches his cheeks, hoping to look healthier than he feels, and then opens the door. “Hotch?” he asks tentatively. “What are you doing here?”

Hotch’s signature frown looks deeper than usual. “You didn’t tell me that you were back. I was worried about you.”

Reid’s expression looks exactly like Jack’s when he’s been caught in a lie. “I’m - I’m doing fine,” he replies. Then he pauses. “Wait, how did you know that I was back?”

Aaron shakes his head. “That’s not the point,” he deflects. “Have you been sick?” Reid looks thinner than he did a week ago, and he’s leaning on the doorframe as if he can’t quite keep himself upright. Even his voice sounds slightly off.

“I’m fine,” Reid says, weakly waving his hand at Hotch. “And before you ask, I’m completely clean.” He rolls up the sleeve of his pajama top. The crook of his elbow still bears the old needle scars, but there are no new marks.

“I’m not worried about that,” Hotch replies. “But-” he leans closer. In the low light, he can just make out a cluster of bruises on Reid’s forearm. “Reid, what are these?”

Reid pulls away. “I’m fine,” he says quickly, pulling his sleeve back down. “I must’ve bumped my arm on something.”

It’s not implausible, given Spencer’s lack of coordination. But between the genius’s appearance and behavior, Hotch is now absolutely sure Reid is hiding something. “You’re not fine. What aren’t you telling me?”

Reid looks distant for a moment. Then he fixes his gaze back on Hotch. “You should - you should go.” Reid weakly waves his hand again, then grips the doorframe with both hands as his whole body sways.

“Reid?” he asks in concern. “Spencer, is everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” he says thickly. As the young man’s head lolls forward, a drop of something dark falls on the floor just in front of Hotch. When he stands back upright, there’s a trail of red running down his chin.

“Spencer, your nose is bleeding,” Hotch says, alarmed. “Come on, let me get you inside.” He reaches out to help Reid into the living room but stops when he feels the heat radiating off the young agent’s skin. “I think you have a fever.”

“I think so, too,” Reid murmurs. He leans on Hotch and tries to take a step forward, but his legs give out. Spencer slumps to the floor like a ragdoll as Aaron does his best to soften the fall.

“Spencer?” Aaron asks frantically. He shakes Reid’s shoulders and gets only a soft groan in response. “Spencer, what’s wrong? Tell me what’s going on!”

Reid’s eyes blink open weakly. “M’sick, Hotch,” Spencer chokes out. “Didn’t...didn’t want to tell you.”

“Why?” Blood drips onto Hotch’s pants, but he doesn’t care. “What _is_ this, Spencer?” he demands.

But Reid doesn’t answer. Instead, he grabs Hotch’s collar. Blood smears everywhere, but neither of them cares. “Don’t tell anyone,” he begs with the last of his strength. “Please.”

And then Spencer’s body goes limp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think of this story so far! I don't have a ton of experience writing slow burn or slash fics, but I really want to make this piece as good as possible, so I welcome any feedback! Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Spencer wakes up in the hospital, which really doesn’t surprise him. There’s an IV in his arm and a pulse oximeter on his finger and a nasal cannula on his face, all of which make perfect sense as well. What does surprise him, though, is the figure sitting in a chair beside his bed. Reid can’t see very well without his glasses, but he could recognize that shape anywhere. “H-Hotch?”

Hotch’s head snaps up. “Reid,” he says, a little too stiffly. “You’re awake. How do you feel?”

“My head feels fuzzy,” Reid mutters, his words slurring slightly. Hotch hurries to his bedside. “And I’m tired.”

“Do you remember what happened?” Hotch asks.

Reid nods. His thoughts seem to be coming much slower than usual, but he remembers what happened. “You came to my house. I was sick.”

Aaron’s mouth twitches. “That’s a mild way of putting it,” he responds. “You had an infection that caused you to spike a dangerously high fever. The doctors told me that if you’d been alone you could have bled out.”

“Oh,” Reid says. His gaze floats distractedly around the room as he considers his near-death by nosebleed. “I guess they probably told you everything.”

“They did.” Hotch takes a deep breath. “Your doctors told me you were diagnosed a week ago. And you were advised to start treatment immediately because you could get worse very quickly.”

“Yeah,” Spencer replies. He offers Hotch a small smile. “I guess they were right about that.” The room is silent for a moment. “I _am_ going to start treatment,” Reid assures his supervisor. “I just needed time...to sort things out.”

Hotch acknowledges this statement with a small nod. He wonders how much Reid had been through in the last week, dealing with a potentially fatal diagnosis all on his own while still coping with the loss of Emily. A loss that Hotch himself had manufactured.

“Did you know that only about half of people with AML live more than a year after being diagnosed?” Spencer blurts out suddenly. “Seventy-five percent die within five years.” He swallows hard. It doesn’t take a profiler to understand that the genius is trying to say that he’s scared.

Hotch knows these statistics from the hours he spent online while Reid was unconscious. He wants to tell Spencer that he’ll be okay, that he’s strong and brave and he’ll be an exception. But he knows life doesn’t work that way. Haley’s death was proof of that. So he doesn’t try to promise him anything. “What can I do to help?”

“Just stay with me?” Spencer asks.

“Of course.”

-

Spencer started chemotherapy the next day. He tried to tell Hotch that he’d be fine alone, but the older man would hear nothing of it. So Aaron stayed with him. He let Reid hold his hand during lumbar punctures and ran to get him popsicles and Jello when the young doctor couldn’t keep anything else down. Reid felt a little embarrassed to have to rely on his boss like this, but mostly he welcomed Aaron’s presence. He was a comforting figure.

Reid had intended to keep working through his treatments, but that almost immediately proved impossible. With the toxic drugs coursing through his system, the young doctor was often too exhausted to lift anything heavier than a single file folder. Coupled with his nausea and brain fog, there was no way he could function even at a desk job. Especially not while hiding his condition from the rest of the team. So Hotch helped him file the paperwork for a sabbatical.

“You need someone to help you around the house,” Aaron says as he brings Spencer home from chemo one day. Both of them know that Reid is only going to get sicker as the treatment progresses. Reid is just too stubborn to admit it.

Spencer can see where this is going. “I’m not telling the rest of the team,” he replies. “And it’s my body, so it’s my decision.”

“Fine,” Hotch says. He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket.

“What are you doing?” asks Reid, alarmed. He’d never thought that Aaron would go against his wishes like this. But maybe the older man was just tired of taking care of him. After all, he was already a single father with one son. He didn’t need another, and a sick one at that.

“I’m calling Strauss to tell her that I’m going to need time off,” Aaron replies. “I’m taking care of you until you get better.”

Spencer stares at him, jaw hanging open. “What?”

“You need help. And I can help you,” Hotch replies simply. _That’s all it is_ , he tells himself. _You’d do the same for any other member of the team._ Even though he knows it could never happen to any other member of the team. They all had families. For Reid, the BAU was the only real family he had.

“Hotch, you really don’t need to do this,” Reid protests.

“Yes, I do,” Hotch responds. And that’s that.


	5. Chapter 5

Hotch ends up moving into Reid’s apartment not long after. Reid needs more help than he’s willing to admit, and it’s actually a welcome change for Hotch to not be alone. With Jack spending the summer at sleepaway camp, he has no real reason to go home at all.

But Hotch doesn’t let himself get too attached to domestic life. Although he’s constantly running errands and cooking and accompanying Spencer to doctor’s appointments, Hotch knows his place. He sleeps on the couch and stays out of Reid’s bedroom unless explicitly invited in, and he’s quick to correct the nurses on the oncology floor who accidentally refer to him as Spencer’s husband or boyfriend. _He doesn’t owe you anything_ , he reminds himself. _You’re his boss and you’re helping him out because he’s sick. Not to mention he’s dealing with, you know, cancer. He doesn’t need to carry around your mixed-up feelings on top of everything else._ Aaron tells himself that the growing protectiveness and concern he felt for the young doctor is because of his illness. Not because of his brilliant mind or expressive hazel eyes or his wisdom beyond his years. Just because he needed a little help.

Spencer, meanwhile, had his own conflicts regarding his supervisor. He’d always looked up to Hotch, but over the past few years, he’d felt like his hero-worship had evolved into something stronger. He was still in awe of Aaron’s strength and intellect and composure, but in a different way than he admired Rossi or Gideon. To him, Aaron was so much more.

_It’s just transference_ , he told himself. _You feel like you need him because he’s taking care of you. That’s all this is. He’s a good person and you’ve convinced yourself it’s something more because it’s easier to live in a fantasy than reality._ He knew that much was true. Almost anything would be a welcome distraction from his current reality of endless doctor’s appointments, painful needle sticks, and potent cocktails of drugs that would happily destroy every cell in his body. So he did his best to ignore the way he craved Aaron’s gentle touch and how his heart sped up when he flashed him a rare smile and the fact that Reid caught himself staring at Hotch at least half a dozen times a day. Until he couldn’t take it anymore.

-

“Hotch?” Reid asks one night as Aaron helps him to bed. It’s been a long day for both of them, and Spencer is emotionally exhausted. They’re still waiting for the results of Reid’s PET scan which is supposed to determine if the treatments have been successful.

“Yes?” Aaron aids Reid in getting the covers just the way he likes them.

“Do you think the chemo is working?”

It’s an unfair question. There’s no way Hotch could possibly know how Reid’s cells are reacting to the drug that’s been poured into his veins. But he knows that Reid needs the reassurance, so he replies as optimistically as he can. “I hope so. But I don’t know.”

“What if it doesn’t work?” Spencer asks. His speech is slurred slightly from exhaustion, and it triggers Hotch’s protective instincts. He looks so vulnerable.

“Then we’ll talk to your doctor and find another treatment,” Hotch answers, trying to sound more confident than he feels.

“Hm.” Reid makes a noise that’s neither an agreement nor a disagreement. His eyes flutter closed for a moment and Hotch thinks that will be the end of the conversation. But then he opens his eyes halfway. “I’m worried that nothing will work.”

“We’re not at that point yet,” Aaron quickly protests.

“But we could be soon.”

“But we’re not,” Hotch counters. He pauses for a moment, trying to think of an argument Spencer might accept. “You should worry about something you can control. Like going to bed. I know you know the health risks of not getting enough sleep.”

Reid’s pout tells Hotch that his point has been made. Still, the young doctor’s eyelids remain stubbornly open.

“Come on, Spencer,” Aaron says, slightly exasperated. “You need the rest. We can talk about this more in the morning.” The faintest smirk appears on Spencer’s lips as he says this. “What?” Hotch asks warily. “What’s funny?”

“I was just thinking.” Reid’s lips twitch. “When people in the movies want someone to stop talking, sometimes they kiss.”

Hotch’s eyebrows fly a mile into the air. “What?” he asks, positive he’s heard wrong.

“If this were a movie,” Spencer says. His eyes have a dreamy look in them. “You would kiss me to make me shut up.”

Aaron just stares at Reid, too dumbfounded to respond. “You...want me to kiss you?”

“Please?”

It takes another moment for Hotch to remember how to speak. “I - I, uh...don’t think that’s a good idea,” he finally manages to stammer.

“Why?” Reid asks. Hotch wonders if the young doctor’s medications have completely hijacked his brain. “Because you don’t want to?”

“Because...because we work together,” Aaron says rationally.

Spencer glances away. “Not right now,” he mumbles. “We’re not working right now.”

Hotch shakes his head. “That doesn’t matter,” he insists. “I’m still your boss. It would be inappropriate.” Aaron’s words are met with the saddest puppy-dog eyes he’s ever seen. For a moment, it looks as if Reid might cry. “I’m sorry,” Hotch quickly blurts out. “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that with our work-”

“Hotch, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to work again.” He struggles to sit upright, then looks at Aaron with a soft gaze. “You’re not my boss right now. We’re just two people, one of whom may or may not be dying.” Hotch opens his mouth to protest. “Please, Hotch? Kiss me?”

He pulls gently on Aaron’s shirt, bringing their faces just inches apart. They’re so close that Aaron can count Spencer’s eyelashes. He feels Reid take his hand, drawing him even closer. And then the distance between them is gone. Spencer’s lips are cool and rough, but to Aaron, it feels as if they’re melting into his own.

Hotch is breathless when he pulls away, lingering for just a moment before he remembers himself and sits up, worried that the weight of his body could hurt the younger man. “Was - was that okay?” Hotch asks anxiously.

Reid smiles softly. The look in his eyes is pure bliss, with no trace of the pain or anxiety that has clouded his face ever since that fateful night he collapsed in Hotch’s arms. “It was perfect,” he whispers as he drifts off to sleep. “Thank you.”


	6. Chapter 6

The first thing Aaron feels when he wakes up is disorientation. He’s not on Spencer’s couch, nor is he in his own bed, but he’s definitely lying on a mattress. The confusion only grows when he senses the warmth of a body beside him, and he sits bolt upright as memories of the last night hit him. Hotch quickly takes inventory of his surroundings and is relieved to at least note that he’s fully clothed. So is Reid.

As quietly as he can, Hotch scoots to the edge of the bed. He’s just swung his legs off the bed and onto the floor when he feels Spencer stir on the mattress behind him. “Hotch?”

Hotch freezes for a moment. “Um, hi,” he says eventually. “Good morning?”

Reid drowsily turns over to look at his alarm clock. It’s just past five, and the windows are still dark. “What’s going on?” he asks. His voice has the same vulnerable quality that it did last night. Hotch curses himself for letting it get to him again.

“I just...I guess I fell asleep here,” Hotch says. “I’m sorry for waking you. Go back to sleep.”

Spencer, still half-asleep, gives him a perplexed look. “Where are you going?”

Hotch hesitates. He hadn’t thought of that. “Back to sleep,” he finally replies.

“Oh.” Reid sounds deflated. He watches as Aaron climbs off the bed before working up the courage to speak again. “You...don’t have to leave. If you don’t want to. There’s plenty of space here.”

The older man shakes his head. “I’m fine in the living room, really,” he lies.

Reid smiles at that. “You’re lying,” he asserts. “Your shoulders get all tight when you sleep on the couch.” Hotch knows better than to argue against Spencer’s profiling, so he says nothing. “Just come back to bed with me.”

“You sure you’re okay with that?” Hotch asks.

Spencer is already moving over to make room for him. “Come on,” he says, lifting up the edge of the blanket so Hotch has no choice but to crawl back under the covers.

It quickly becomes routine for the two of them. Each night, Hotch offers to sleep on the couch. Spencer adamantly refuses and insists that he take the bed, and the two share the space until morning. Hotch always gets up before Spencer, whose body demands more rest than ever before. On the rare mornings Spencer can’t persuade him to stay in bed “just a little longer,” he brings the younger man breakfast in bed. His cooking is much better than Reid would have assumed, which is fortunate for Reid’s health. If it weren’t for Aaron’s abilities in the kitchen, he knows Spencer might not eat at all.

On the morning Spencer wakes up with a clump of hair on his pillow, he asks Hotch to talk to the team for him. “If they see me, they’ll - they’ll know that I’m sick,” he explains. “I don’t want that. But-”

“You miss them,” Hotch finishes. He’s noticed that in Spencer’s behavior. As much as his subordinate doesn’t want to burden his friends, he needs them. And Hotch is glad he’s coming around to see that. “I’ll tell Strauss I’m coming in today.”

Reid smiles. “Thank you,” he says. He gives Hotch a quick kiss before he leaves.

-

“Did you hear that Hotch was coming back today?” Morgan asks as he fills his coffee mug.

JJ nods. “Kind of weird that he didn’t tell us sooner,” she comments. “I wonder if they’ll start assigning us more cases now that he’s back.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” Garcia chimes in. “Bossman hates vacation.”

“Yeah,” Derek agrees. “Maybe Strauss made him take the time off?”

“Hey, what happened to the moratorium on inter-team profiling?” Rossi asks as he walks into the break room. The others quickly avert their gazes. “Hotch’ll tell us what we need to know. Give him the benefit of the doubt until then.” He watches over the team members as they sheepishly hurry into the round table room. Then he fills two coffee cups - one for himself and one for Hotch - and joins them in waiting.

Aaron arrives just a few minutes later. He doesn’t stop at his office but heads directly into the round table room, accepting Dave’s coffee with a nod. The unit chief politely greets his team members before positioning himself in the front of the room. It feels almost like it could be any other briefing.

“I’ve called all of you here to discuss something regarding the team,” he begins. He glances around and can’t help but notice how much this feels like any other briefing. He’d give anything for this to be a typical case, with the whole team against a single adversary. Because they could profile an unsub away. Cancer was not so straightforward.

Morgan frowns as he takes in Aaron’s body language. “Wait. Are you not coming back?”

Hotch shakes his head. “I will be coming back. But not today.”

“So when?” Garcia asks.

“I don’t know yet,” he admits. “But the reason I’m here...it’s because Spencer asked me to tell you something.”

Eyebrows shoot up at the mention of their team member. “You talked to Spence?” JJ asks. “Is everything okay with him?”

Hotch glances away for a moment, running his hand over his head. He knew there was no good way to break the news other than to rip off the bandage. “Not exactly,” he says with a sigh. “About a month ago...Reid was diagnosed with leukemia. His sabbatical wasn’t for academic reasons. It was taken so he could start chemotherapy.”

“What?!” Garcia screeches, staring at her boss with a bewildered expression. “Reid - he - what?”

Morgan shook his head. “No way,” he mutters. “Reid would have told us. A month?!”

J looks hurt. “Why - why wouldn’t he have told us?” she echoes.

Hotch shakes his head. “He was dealing with a lot,” he tries to explain. “I think he just didn’t want anyone to worry about him.”

“But he told you?” Rossi asks. There’s no bitterness in his tone, just curiosity. The older profiler scrutinizes Hotch’s microexpressions just a little bit more closely than the others, and it feels like he’s reading directly into the unit chief’s soul. But if he learns anything that Hotch has been holding back, he doesn’t say anything.

Aaron chooses his words carefully. He doesn’t want the team to worry, but he can’t lie to them, either. “I came to his house one night and he...fainted. That was when I found out he was sick.”

“Is he - is he going to be okay?” JJ asks worriedly.

The hesitation in Hotch’s reply tells them all they need to know. “We don’t know yet.”

“We should - we need to see him,” Garcia stammers out. “Boy Wonder is probably all alone; he doesn’t have anyone to take care of him, we need to-”

“Garcia,” Rossi interrupts softly. He glances towards Hotch. His expression says _either you tell them or I do_. Aaron has never been more impressed nor irritated by his old friend’s profiling skills.

“Spencer hasn’t been alone,” he assures the others. “I’ve...been helping him. I took a leave of absence so I could make sure he was taken care of.”

“Wait,” Morgan says. He rubs his forehead tensely. “You’ve been taking care of him? And you’ve just been lying to us this whole time?”

JJ flinches just the tiniest bit. Anyone else would mistake it for a response to her coworker’s outburst, but Aaron knows the real reason for her reaction. It’s not the only thing that he’s been hiding from the team.

“It was Spencer’s decision,” Hotch replies. “If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me. But don’t blame him now. He needs your support, not your judgment.”

Just then, Hotch’s phone rings. He checks the caller ID. “It’s Reid,” he announces, pressing the device to his ear. “Spencer? Is everything okay?” Aaron listens for a moment. “We’re all in the round table room. I’ll put you on speaker.”

Reid’s voice comes through a second later. “Hey, everyone,” he says. The room is suddenly filled with the sound of everyone talking at once. “Guys, slow down. I can’t understand what you’re saying.”

Penelope grabs the phone first. “Hey, Boy Wonder,” she says gently. “Hotch told us what’s going on. How are you feeling?”

“Like my blood is trying to kill me,” Spencer replies with a sigh. “But other than that, and being tired and nauseated and dizzy all the time, I’m fine.”

Morgan leans closer to Hotch’s cell phone. “Kid, we’re all here for you. Just let us know what we can do to help.”

As Reid continues to talk to the rest of the team, Rossi makes his way over to Hotch. He gently takes the agent’s arm and guides him out of the room. When they’re in the bullpen, out of earshot of the other agents, he gives Aaron a knowing look. “Are you going to tell them?”

“Tell them what?” Hotch asks.

“About you. And the kid,” Rossi replies.

Hotch’s eyebrows raise. “How did you figure it out?”

“I suspected something was up when you went on ‘vacation,’” Dave tells him. “But I wasn’t positive until I heard you call him by his first name.”

Aaron smiles ruefully to himself before fixing a serious gaze on Dave. “It’s...new,” he admits. “I’ve been staying at his place, but we haven’t even really talked about what all of this means. There’s just too much going on.”

Dave looks at him seriously. “You might not have defined what ‘this’ is, but it’s definitely something.” Hotch makes a noise of agreement. “So I’ll ask you again: are you going to tell the team?”

“I want to,” Aaron says. “But I just don’t know how they’ll react.”

Rossi looks at him seriously. “Are you happy?” he asks. Aaron nods. “Is he?” Another nod. “That’s all we want to hear.” Dave pauses for a moment, choosing his words carefully. “I think this team has had more than enough secrets as of late.” A strange look passes over Dave’s eyes for just an instant, and Hotch realizes he’s not just talking about Spencer.

With a sigh, Hotch gives his old friend a nod. “You’re right. I just hope they take it well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make one thing clear: this is not a cliffhanger. The team is fully supportive of Hotch and Reid's relationship. I promised myself that I wouldn't put more than two cliffhangers in this story, and I have very specific plans for the second one. The only reason this chapter ends without showing the team finding out is that I felt it would take up too much space to include that scene. So don't worry; the team is happy for them. This story is not about inter-BAU drama.


	7. Chapter 7

Aaron hesitates at Spencer’s front door. The team has just finished solving the Doyle case, and Hotch is exhausted both physically and emotionally. He hasn’t been away from his partner for so long since he moved in, and he’s been badly missing the younger man. But his hesitation isn’t about seeing Reid again. He knows that with the case over, he’s going to have to tell him the truth about Prentiss.

He considers how his lover will react. The rest of the team managed to recover from the shock relatively quickly, but he suspects that was only because they had a case to solve. Hotch knows that Spencer will take the news much harder. He’s seen how deeply Reid grieved Emily’s loss, and he knows that the revelation will come as a painful shock. The fact that Hotch had no choice but to lie doesn’t mean much to either of them.

Hotch finds Spencer lying on the couch, body almost entirely covered in blankets. “Hey,” Reid says with a soft smile.

“Hey,” Hotch echoes. He bends down to give his partner a quick kiss on the forehead. “How are you feeling?”

Spencer shrugs. “Fine,” he replies. He can read his partner’s body language clearly, and he knows that the case has been closed. “What happened to Doyle?”

“He’s dead,” Hotch reports in a matter-of-fact tone. “Doyle, McDermott, Donaghy, all of them were killed. We managed to save Declan, though.”

Reid nods thoughtfully, still not taking his eyes off of Aaron’s face. “That’s good news, isn’t it? I mean, I know it’s never ideal for an unsub to die, but at least they’re gone.” When Hotch hesitates, Reid’s features knit into a frown. “Did something else happen?”

“No one else was hurt,” Hotch quickly reassures him, knowing that would be his first concern. “But there’s something I need to tell you. About how we solved the case.”

“Okay,” Spencer says slowly. He shifts into a sitting position. “What is it?”

Hotch crosses the living room and takes a seat next to Spencer on the couch. He takes the young man’s hand and strokes it softly as he averts his gaze. “Seven months ago, I made a decision that affected the team - that affected you.”

“Seven months?” Reid echoes. Hotch can tell that he’s connecting the dots. “I don’t understand.”

Aaron sighs. _This is it_ , he thinks to himself. “Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But the doctors were able to stabilize her. and she was reassigned to Paris with a new identity for her own safety.”

Reid abruptly pulls his hand away. He stares at Hotch in bewilderment, trying to wrap his mind around what his lover is saying.

“She was reassigned to Paris with a new identity,” Aaron continues, not knowing what else to say. “We didn’t have access to it. For her own safety.”

Spencer blinks slowly. “She’s alive?”

Hotch nods.

“But...we buried her.” His expression is a mixture of shock, confusion, and betrayal. “All this time...you were lying to me?”

Hotch wants to tell him the agony that went into making the decision to lie. He wants to tell him how hard the secret was to keep and how many times he almost let it slip. But he knows this isn’t about him. This is about Reid. “I’m sorry,” he says simply. “It was for the sake of the mission. Everything had to be need-to-know.”

“Is she okay now?” Reid asks after a moment. Aaron nods again as the younger man turns to look out the window. “Get out.”

Hotch’s body stiffens. “What?”

“I don’t want you here.” Reid’s tone is dangerously low. “Leave.”

“Spencer.” Aaron tries to take Spencer’s hand again but the young man sharply pulls away. “You know I had to-”

“Seven months!” Reid screams, pushing his partner away with both hands. He’s close to tears, but he refuses to let them fall. “You let me think Emily was dead for seven months while I cried on your shoulder and begged you to hold me and you said nothing! I gave you my soul and you just took it!”

“It wasn’t like that,” Hotch protests desperately. He climbs off the couch but doesn’t leave, instead focusing on Spencer with equally watery eyes. “I didn’t have a-”

“I said get out!”

Aaron shakes his head. “I can’t leave you like this.”

“Fine,” Spencer says. “If you won’t go, then I will.” He tosses his blanket onto the floor and stands up, wobbling slightly.

Hotch sighs and rubs his forehead. “Spencer, stop,” he says. He doesn’t want to leave, but he knows his boyfriend will make good on his promise and he’s in no shape to leave the house. “Don’t go. If you want me to go, I’ll go.”

The walk across the living room is one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do. Every step he takes, he’s willing his partner to say something, anything, that will let him stay. But Reid remains stubbornly silent as he watches Aaron make his way to the door. He slips his shoes on, then shoots one last sad look behind him as he picks up his bag. “I’m sorry, Spencer,” he says one last time. “I love you.”

Reid just glares at the door until it shuts.

-

Hotch finally breaks down when he’s in the driver’s seat of his car. He curses himself and the Bureau and Ian Doyle as he presses his head against the steering wheel, letting his tears fall freely. _Why did it have to happen like this?_ he asks himself. Why couldn’t the Bureau have brought the whole team in on Emily’s mission? Why couldn’t they have caught Doyle sooner? And why did everything have to happen now, when Reid needed him more than ever before?

He lets the swirling thoughts of anger and regret wash over him until he’s startled by the sight of a familiar car. He turns his attention to the driver’s side door and is only mildly surprised to see JJ climbing out of the vehicle. She doesn’t notice him as she hurries across the street and into Reid’s apartment building. _Of course_ , he thinks to himself, considering the distance between their two residences. _He must have called her as soon as he kicked you out._

Aaron isn’t sure whether to feel relieved or upset by her presence. On one hand, he knows that Reid desperately needs support. If Spencer won’t have him, he’s glad he’ll at least have someone he trusts to help him. But on the other hand, seeing the blonde agent only makes the rejection sting more. He wants more than anything to be by his partner’s side, trying to make him understand his side and apologizing as many times and in as many ways as he had to in order to make things right. But Reid had made his wishes painfully clear. Aaron had no choice but to leave him alone.

_Please forgive me, Spencer,_ he prays silently. _I don’t know what I’ll do without you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is off of my usual upload schedule, but I hope you enjoy this bonus chapter with a bonus cliffhanger!


	8. Chapter 8

Spencer cries himself to sleep every night for the next week. He asks JJ to lie next to him in bed so he won’t feel so alone, but it’s not the same.

“If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me,” she offers one evening during dinner. The young doctor has been despondent for a while, and it’s taking a toll on his health. “Hotch wasn’t the only one who made the decision.”

Reid just shakes his head. “I can’t,” he replies matter-of-factly. “I didn’t come to your house crying for ten weeks. Did you know that he told me I’d see Emily again when I died?”

JJ sighs. “You’re not going to die, Spence,” she says softly, reaching out her hand.

Reid just shrugs. He doesn’t take her hand but doesn’t actively pull away either.

“I think you should talk to him,” JJ suggests. “I know you’re upset with him - with us - and you have every right to be. What we did hurt you and there’s no easy way to get over that. But he did it to save Emily’s life. Would you really have wanted him to choose anything different?”

In response, Reid carries his plate to the sink and silently heads for his room.

-

Hotch calls JJ at least twice a day, sometimes more. They don’t talk for long, usually just enough for JJ to tell Hotch that “he’s fine” and “he’s not ready to talk to you.” Sometimes he asks for more details - if Spencer is eating or sleeping or if the chemo is making him more sick than usual, but JJ rarely responds with more than a few words. Each call leaves Hotch wanting to throw his phone into a wall.

Without work and without Spencer, Aaron’s days are almost completely shapeless. He tries to watch TV, but it’s not the same without a stream of Reid commentary in his ear. Reading is almost impossible without thinking of Spencer, and so is cooking. Even falling asleep at night feels wrong when he can’t hear his partner’s gentle breathing beside him.

“What do I have to do for him to want to see me?” he asks Rossi. The older man had invited him to stay over after a few sleepless nights, and Aaron had gladly accepted. Dave’s mansion is no replacement for Spencer’s apartment, but it’s a huge step up from the unforgiving darkness of the empty Hotchner house. “How do I make this up to him?”

Rossi swirls the scotch around in his glass. “Aaron, you know I’m no expert on relationships,” he says as he watches the golden liquid create a tiny whirlpool. “But I know that nothing good has ever come out of one by forcing the other person into something they don’t want.”

“So you’re saying I should give up?” Hotch asks, eyes narrowing at his friend.

Dave shakes his head. “That’s not what I’m saying. I just mean that you can’t force him to process things at _your_ speed.” He sets the glass down on the coffee table and leans back in his armchair. “You know that Reid puts up walls. The only people who can hurt him are the ones he cares about.”

“Thanks,” Aaron says sarcastically, taking a sip of his own drink. “That really helps.”

The look the older man gives him makes him feel like a child being scolded. “Don’t interrupt,” he replies, raising a finger at him. “What I was _trying_ to say is that the kid loves you. You can’t abandon him.”

“I wouldn’t,” Hotch admits without hesitation. “I... _c_ _ouldn’t_.”

Rossi nods approvingly. “Then things will work out.” It’s a strangely optimistic thing to come out of the man’s mouth, given his three failed marriages, but Rossi seems to believe it wholeheartedly.

“I just…” Hotch shakes his head. “I need him. Every day I’m gone, it just - it feels like part of me is missing and it _hurts_.” He looks to Rossi, the beginning of a tear forming in his eye. “When Jack and Haley were in Witsec...this was how I felt.”

Dave frowns sympathetically but doesn’t get a chance to respond before his phone rings. He glances at the screen and then answers the call. “It’s JJ,” he says to Aaron. He stands up abruptly and hurries out of the room, out of earshot.

When he returns, Hotch can tell that something is wrong. “Spencer?” he asks worriedly.

He nods. “He’s stable,” Dave reports before his friend can ask. “But he’s back in the hospital. JJ says you need to come”

-

JJ meets them outside of the hospital doors. Her face is pinched with worry. “He’s been asking for you,” she says to Hotch.

“What happened?” he asks as they head into the building. “Is he okay?”

“He’s better now,” JJ replies. “He had a bad allergic reaction last night and…”

“Reaction to what?” Hotch demands. “How bad?”

The blonde agent shakes her head. “His oncologist started him on a new drug after his last PET scan came back. We thought he was doing well, but then suddenly he couldn’t breathe and - and I had to call 911.”

Aaron’s heart drops out of his chest. He can only imagine how terrifying that must’ve been for Reid. “But he’s okay now?” JJ nods slightly. “The PET scan...how bad was it?”

JJ sighs, leading her coworkers into an elevator. “It wasn’t good. They said this drug was his best shot at remission.”

“What’s going to happen now?” Rossi asks quietly. He places a hand on Hotch’s shoulder, gently grounding him as the doors close in front of them.

“We don’t know yet,” JJ admits. “The oncologist said that there were still a few other options, but Spence is...having a hard time.” She looks at Hotch. “He needs you.”

The elevator doors open again and the group starts down a hallway. Hotch lets himself be led into a room with the door cracked open. “We’ll give you two a minute,” Rossi utters. JJ and he both step outside.

Lying in the hospital bed, surrounded by wires and machines, is Spencer. He looks thinner and paler than he did a week ago. Or maybe it’s just the lighting. Hotch tells himself it’s just the lighting. “Spencer,” he whispers.

Reid’s eyes fly open. “Aaron?” he asks weakly. “You came?”

Hotch hurries to the side of the bed and takes his partner’s outstretched hand. “I came, of course, I came as soon as JJ called,” he assures Spencer. “How are you feeling?”

Spencer’s eyes close as he turns away. “I’m sick,” he croaks.

Aaron strokes Reid’s forehead gently. “I know. JJ told me.” He plants the softest kiss on his partner’s cheek. “I’m glad you asked her to call me.”

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” Tears well up in his hazel eyes. “I was just so upset and I didn’t know what to do but I’ve missed you so much and I need you,” he babbles. He looks at Aaron with wide, fearful eyes. “Are you - are you mad at me?”

Hotch shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he whispers gently. “You had every right to be upset, and I could never be mad at you.”

A tear rolls down Reid’s cheek, and Hotch carefully brushes it away. “Please don’t leave me,” he whispers.

“I won’t,” Aaron vows. “I’m never leaving you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a lot with this chapter, mostly because I hated writing Reid and Hotch being upset and also because there was a lot that I needed to include. But things will be getting better from here on out, I promise.


	9. Chapter 9

“It’s called a bone marrow transplant,” Spencer says quietly, looking around at his team who sit surrounding his hospital bed. “The doctors wipe out my immune system and replace my blood-making stem cells with someone else’s.”

Morgan presses his lips together as he processes this. “Is it risky?” he asks.

“It’s his best chance,” Hotch chimes in, looking at Reid with concern. Prentiss and Garcia both grimace at Hotch’s words.

“When are you having it?” JJ asks.

“As soon as they can find a donor,” Spencer replies, absently reaching out to hold Aaron’s hand. “My transplant doctor has to find someone who shares genetic markers with me so my body won’t reject the transplant. Usually, family members are the best donors, but...”

Hotch gently rubs Reid’s cold fingers. “There’s a registry of living donors,” he adds. “A lot of people are willing to donate bone marrow to an unrelated recipient. When a match comes up in the system, we’ll know.”

“ _If_ ,” Spencer corrects gently. “ _If_ there’s a match.”

Emily brushes the hair from her face as she tries not to look worried. “Can anyone be a donor?”

“Pretty much,” Aaron replies. He squeezes Spencer’s hand. “I’m already being tested to see if I’m a match.”

“I’ll get tested, too,” Garcia blurts out. The others quickly chime in similar affirmations.

Spencer smiles, but his eyes are hollow. “I appreciate it, guys,” he says. “Really, I do.”

“Of course,” Prentiss replies. “Anything to help, Spence.”

“In the meantime, what happens?” Morgan asks quietly.

“Not much,” Reid admits. “My doctor wants me to go back to the chemo regimen I was on before.”

“The one that didn’t work?” Garcia asks, brow furrowing in confusion.

“It didn’t work as well as it was supposed to, but it’s better than nothing,” Spencer explains.

“But it’s just until he gets the transplant,” Hotch says. He leans closer and gently adjusts the beanie that covers Reid’s head, then places a kiss on his cheek. “Right?”

“Right,” Reid echoes.

-

Days go by and Reid is released from the hospital. His body takes the second round of chemotherapy even harder than the first, leaving Spencer with constant aches and pains. And he loses more weight due to not only his nausea but a host of sores that have erupted throughout his mouth. His eating problems grow bad enough that Reid’s doctors have had to prescribe him a regimen of supplements just to prevent him from developing a dangerous vitamin deficiency. It becomes a mission of the team to keep Reid fed, with Garcia supplying a steady stream of baked goods while Rossi and JJ take turns bringing meals to the apartment. Somehow, he manages to keep down enough food to keep them satisfied.

And then, early one morning, the call comes in. Reid wakes up to Aaron frantically shaking his shoulders. “What?” he mutters sleepily. “What is it?”

“It’s the hospital,” Hotch says. Even through the haze of sleep, Spencer can see the excitement shining in Hotch’s eyes. “They found a match.”

Reid blinks a few times and rubs his eyes. “Really?”

Aaron nods. “I’ve already called the others and they’ll meet us there.”

“It’s happening?” Spencer can’t quite believe his ears.

“It’s happening, baby.” Hotch kisses Reid’s forehead. “You’re getting a transplant.”

-

At the hospital, Reid has his vitals taken as he fills out no fewer than eight separate forms. They also draw blood for testing. Then, the doctor shows him to his room. Hotch stays with him the whole time, holding his hand and whispering words of encouragement.

He sees Spencer chewing his lip as they sit together on his hospital bed. “Hey,” he says gently. Reid immediately stops. “I know you’re nervous, but it’s going to work out.”

“The survival rate for AML patients who receive stem cell transplants is sixty-four percent after one year and fifty-three after two,” Spencer recites. His forehead pinches in a mirror image of Hotch’s worried expression. “And forty-seven percent of people on the bone marrow registry who are asked to donate don’t do it. What if it doesn’t work out?”

Hotch’s jaw tightens, not out of anger but in worry. They both know there’s no good answer to that question. “I don’t know,” he finally says

“Yeah,” Spencer says with a sigh. “I know. But I hope it does.”

“I do too, love,” Aaron replies. He presses his forehead to Spencer’s. “I really do.”

-

The next few hours are a blur. Reid gets taken for more tests and then he waits some more. Finally, a doctor comes into the room. He smiles. “Good news, Dr. Reid. It looks like we have a willing donor who’s an excellent match. We’re ready to move forward with the transplant.”

Reid’s head spins. “Right now?” Hotch squeezes his hand.

His doctor nods. “As I’m sure you know, you’ll receive high-dose chemotherapy through your port in order to suppress your immune system. The process will take two days, during which you’ll need to be in protective isolation.” He looks around Reid’s hospital room, which is crowded with flowers brought in by the BAU team. “You’ll remain there until your donor cells begin to function.”

“But we can still be with him, right?” Hotch asks. “We were told that he’d be able to have visitors.”

The doctor nods again. “You’re allowed to have up to three people in your room during visiting hours. They will need to take precautions to prevent infection, including wearing gloves and a mask.”

Spencer grips Aaron’s hand a little bit tighter. “I won’t be able to have direct contact with anyone?”

He shakes his head. “We strongly discourage touching and prolonged physical contact during this stage. Your immune system will need to be completely suppressed in order for your transplant to succeed, and that’ll leave you especially vulnerable to pathogens others could be carrying.”

Seeing Reid’s concern, Aaron leaves over and puts his arm around his partner’s bony shoulders. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “I’ll miss you, but we’ll be able to kiss all we want when this is over.” He plants a kiss on Reid’s forehead as if to demonstrate.

The young man flashes a worried smile as two orderlies step inside. One of them unlocks the brakes on his hospital bed. “Wait,” Reid blurts out. “I just - this is a lot. Can I take a minute?”

The doctor nods understandingly. “Of course. We’ll give you some time.” He pushes open the door and steps outside, motioning for the orderlies to follow him. Reid is silent as he watches the door close.

“Baby, are you okay?” Aaron asks, frowning in concern.

Spencer gulps and nods. “I will be,” he replies unconvincingly. “The isolation...it’s a lot.”

Hotch gently rubs his partner’s back. “Nichols?” he asks. He’ll forever associate protective isolation with the doctor whose strain of anthrax nearly killed Reid. Even just the phrase puts him on edge.

Reid nods. “I know it’s silly. It’s not the same thing at all.”

“There’s nothing silly about feeling nervous,” Hotch assures him in a soothing voice. “This scares me too. But you have to remember that your doctors are the best in the world. Just like you.” Reid smiles, affectionately leaning his head against Hotch’s shoulder. “And think of all the things we’ll be able to do after your transplant takes.”

He lifts his head, eyebrow twitching. “Like what?”

“Well,” Aaron starts, smiling back at his lover. “You can take me to visit your mom, for starters.” Spencer hums slightly as he returns his head to Aaron’s shoulder. “And I want for you and Jack to get to know each other.”

“I’d like that,” Spencer agrees.

“You’ll also be able to go back to work if you want,” Hotch continues. “And we could go out together. We could get coffee-” he knows how much Reid has missed his local coffee shop “-or go to a museum or the library, or wherever else you want.”

Reid smiles to himself. “That sounds nice, too.”

“We could even...get married,” Hotch ventures. “If you wanted.”

Spencer stills, then jerks his head up to face his partner. His eyes are wide and his jaw hangs open. “What?” There’s no way he could have heard that right.

“We could get married,” Hotch repeats. His gentle smile tells Reid that he’s absolutely serious.

“Married?” he echoes. Reid processes Hotch’s words slowly. “Are you - are you proposing to me?”

Hotch nods earnestly. He’s slipped off the bed so smoothly that Spencer hasn’t even realized that he’s now kneeling on the floor. “Spencer Walter Reid, will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Reid gasps immediately, practically throwing himself into his lover’s arms. “Aaron Edison Hotchner, I want to marry you!”

-

They spend the next few minutes in comfortable silence. Reid can’t remember ever feeling this safe before. But far too quickly, their moment of premarital bliss is interrupted by the doctor from before. “Dr. Reid?” he asks. “Are you ready?”

Reid looks over to his fiance. “You’ll be waiting for me?”

“I’ll be with you every step of the way.” He kisses his lover’s forehead, knowing it could be the last one for weeks - or longer. “I love you. See you soon.”

“I love you too,” Spencer echoes, kissing Aaron’s hand. He lets the older man’s fingers slip through his before turning to the doctor with determination. “I’m ready now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: I spent a lot of time exploring a subplot in which Aaron flew out to Las Vegas to convince William Reid to get tested as a bone marrow donor for Spencer. Ultimately I couldn't make it fit and I also worried that people might get upset since William is a pretty unpopular character in the fandom. But since Reid's donor is anonymous, it's up to you to decide if it was Reid's father or not. Let me know what you think. 
> 
> fun fact: Hotch was named after the American author A. E. (Aaron Edward) Hotchner. Since Hotch's middle name was never confirmed in canon (as far as I know), I decided to keep those initials. This chapter probably would have been posted two days sooner if I hadn't spent so much time reading lists of E names. But I hope it was worthwhile. Thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended for this to be part of the final chapter, but it ended up taking too long and I didn't want to leave everyone hanging for so long. So here is basically part I of the ending. It's mostly dialogue and barely any action, but I hope you can still enjoy as take my time in finishing up this piece.

“Are you ready?”

Aaron turns from the mirror to look at Dave, who smiles when he takes in his friend’s harried expression. “I just need another minute.”

“You’ve been saying that for the past ten minutes, Aaron,” Rossi says. He reaches out and adjusts the younger man’s tie, then pulls him reluctantly away from the mirror. “You’re ready. Just try not to look like...that.”

“Like what?” Hotch asks anxiously, trying to get another glimpse of his reflection.

“Like you’re going to pass out or throw up,” Rossi replies with an amused look on his face. “It’s not like you’re going into a raid with an armed unsub.”

Hotch scoffs. “That would probably be easier.”

“Well, if that’s how you feel, it’s really not too late to make a run for it. I could get Jack,” Dave offers jokingly. Aaron shoots him a mock-serious glare. “Alright, alright, I get it. Not all of our marriages have to be doomed.”

“I just - I just can’t believe that this is real,” Hotch admits.

Dave smiles. “I know the feeling,” he replies, and there’s a trace of nostalgia in his eyes. But he quickly shakes it away. “Come on. The ceremony will be starting soon.”

-

In the other dressing room, Jack sits on a bench swinging his feet as he watches JJ fuss over Spencer. His hair hasn’t grown back long enough to cause any trouble, so she busies herself with adjusting Reid’s suit and tie. “It’s fine, JJ,” he finally says, gently swatting away her hand. “I promise it’s fine.”

She gives his shirt one last tug before stepping away. “Alright,” she concedes. The blonde circles Reid and then gives him an approving nod.

Reid checks the time on his phone. “We still have a few minutes before the ceremony begins.” He turns to look at Jack, frowning when he notices the boy’s socks. One is black and the other is gray, but what really concerns Spencer is that they’re exposed. “Jack, where are your shoes?” he asks.

Jack points across the room, where a small pair of dress shoes lies abandoned near the doorway. “I took them off,” he explains. “They’re too stiff.”

JJ chuckles, recalling a similar struggle she’d had that morning with Henry, before retrieving the shoes and handing them to Jack. “You’re going to have to put them on before the wedding starts,” she warns.

His bottom lip sticks out. “Why can’t I wear sneakers? Spencer’s wearing sneakers.” He points to Reid’s Converses. JJ shoots her friend a look. _The ball’s in your court._

“Jack, if you get married when you grow up, you can wear whatever you want,” Reid replies. “But your dad and I wanted a fancy wedding, and this is what people do at fancy weddings.”

The boy reluctantly starts to slip his feet into the shoes. “After you get married, are you going to change your name?” he asks.

Spencer blinks in surprise at the question. “Why do you ask?”

“My teacher last year used to be Ms. Robinson, but then she got married and now she’s Ms. Davis. Dad said that’s what people do when they get married,” Jack tells him.

Reid smiles at the boy as he shakes his head. “No. That would be too hard. Everyone already knows me as Dr. Reid,” he explains. “And besides, I like my last name. It’s the same one my mom has.”

Jack nods and considers this for a moment. “So Daddy isn’t going to change his name either?”

“Your father will be keeping his name, too,” JJ informs him. “It would be too confusing at work, don’t you think? If they were both Agent Reid or Agent Hotchner?”

“I get it,” he replies. “What about me?”

“What about you, Jack?”

“Are you going to change my last name?” the boy asks.

Spencer hesitates. He hadn’t discussed it with Aaron, and he didn’t want to overstep. “What do you think we should do?” he asks cautiously.

Jack shrugs. “I don’t know,” he replies. “I like my name. It’s all mine. But I don’t like how you’re different from me and Daddy.” His finger presses to his chin. “I want to have your last name, too, like you have with your mom. Can we do that?”

“ _If_ your father is okay with it,” Spencer says slowly. “we could hyphenate your name.” Seeing Jack’s confused expression, he elaborates. “Hyphenating is when you take two words and combine them with a dash. Like this.” He grabs a piece of paper and a pen and quickly scribbles something down, then shows it to the boy.

**Jack Hotchner-Reid**  
**Jack Reid-Hotchner**

Jack studies the paper for a second, mouthing the words to himself as he reads. Then he taps the second option. “I like that one,” he says.

JJ leans over Reid’s shoulder to take a look. “Jack Reid-Hotchner,” she tests out. Then she smiles at Jack. “It sounds nice.”

“Can I do it?” Jack asks, looking at Spencer.

He looks unsure. “You know, Jack, you don’t need to take my name. Lots of people have different last names, and it doesn’t mean that they love each other any less.”

“I know,” Jack piped up. “But I want to.”

“I’ll discuss it with your dad later,” Reid promises. “In the meantime, can you run next door and check to see if Diana and Uncle Derek are ready?”

JJ chuckles as Jack ducks out of the room. “He’s probably not.”

A moment later, Jack bursts back inside. “They’re ready!” he half-shouts. Behind him, Morgan leads Reid’s mom into the room.

Derek smiles when he sees Reid. “Looking good, kid,” he remarks. He ruffles Jack’s hair. “And you, too.” Jack pulls away playfully, laughing as he looks at his messy blond locks in the mirror. JJ helps him smooth them back down as Morgan steps into the room and moves aside so Diana can see her son.

Reid’s mom gazes at him adoringly, not saying anything for a moment. Finally, she reaches out and takes his hand. “You look beautiful, Spencer,” she utters.

Spencer meets her eyes with an equally loving gaze. “Thanks, Mom,” he replies. “I like your dress, too.”

She smiles shyly, looking down at her own elegant gown. “I’m so proud of you, you know?”

“I know, Mom,” he says. “I love you.” He pulls her in tighter, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. Arms that are still thin, but nowhere near as skeletal as they once were. They stay for a moment, comfortable with each other, before Diana finally pulls away.

“I love you, too, Spencer. And I’m so very happy for you and Aaron.” she whispers. Then she takes his hand again. “Come on. I want to see you get married.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the last, and it'll feature the actual marriage of Reid and Hotch! Let me know if there's anything you want to see!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why, but when I was picturing this wedding I kept seeing Hotch and Reid getting married by Rossi in a church. So that's what this is. I also spent way too much time researching wedding vows, so I really hope it paid off. Thank you for reading!

Aaron can’t take his eyes off of him. From the moment Spencer enters the chapel with his mom, Hotch is absolutely enchanted by the sight of his lover. He can barely hear Rossi’s words as he begins the ceremony. When the time comes, Reid has to give him a little smirk and a tilt of the head before Hotch remembers that he’s supposed to say his vows. He pulls out the cards in his pocket with shaking hands. Then he takes a deep breath, reluctantly tears his eyes away from Spencer, and begins to read.

“Spencer, I’ve known you were special from the moment we first met. You have the best, most brilliant mind of anyone I’ve ever known, but that’s not what I love most about you. I love you because you’re kind and brave and funny and you always, _always_ do the right thing. Being around you makes me want to be a better man, and I will never not be amazed by how lucky I am to have you in my life.”

Aaron pauses for a moment. “Do you know when I first realized that I was in love with you?” Hotch smiles. “It was the case in Annapolis. The one where we almost lost you - actually, I guess that doesn’t really narrow it down.” The audience chuckles, but the man’s expression holds a trace of sadness as he recalls Spencer’s infection with anthrax. “It was a classified case,” he explains. “When Derek called me, he told me where you were and I - I felt like my heart was going to stop. Every minute until it was over, I was terrified. But you were so much - so much stronger than me. That’s when I knew that I loved you. I’ve never stopped for a moment since then, and I promise I never will.”

Hotch’s eyelids flutter rapidly as he tries to hold back tears. Reid is already crying, and Aaron has to resist the urge to reach out and take his hand. “These past few months have been some of the best and worst of my life but I - I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I love you so much and-” Aaron has to stop to wipe his face. “-I’m so happy that you’re marrying me because I never want to be without you again. I promise that I will always stand by you as your friend and partner, that I will do everything in my power to protect you, and that I will never let you forget what an incredible person you are. You are my life and my love, and it will be my honor to spend the rest of our days together.”

Rossi smiles at Aaron. “That was beautiful,” he whispers under his breath. Raising his voice and looking at the crowd, he continues. “Spencer, will you read your vows to Aaron now?”

“Yes! But actually, before I read my vows to Aaron, I’d - I’d like to say something,” Reid says. Hotch’s eyebrows press together, and the confusion in the audience is palpable. “I’d like to read vows to someone else.” He turns to Jack and whispers something in his ear, then looks back into the crowd and begins to read.

“Jack, I know you don’t remember the day we first met. But I do.” Reid smiles fondly at the boy. “You were only a few months old and your mom had brought you to the office. Your dad was so proud and he brought you around to visit everyone in the bullpen. I’ve never been good with babies, so of course, you started crying as soon as I got close.” Hotch chuckles as he pulls the memory from the recesses of his mind. “But I remember thinking how lucky your parents were to have you.”

He takes a moment to look at Jack and smiles as he sees the boy’s delighted expression. “Back then, I never could have dreamed that you would one day become a part of my life. But I couldn’t be happier. I know that I can never replace your mom, but I hope you’ll let me show you just how much you mean to me. I promise that I will _always_ put you and your dad first. You’re my family now, and I love you so much.” Spencer gets a playful look in his eye. “So, is it okay if I share your dad with you?”

“Yes!” Jack chirps immediately, making the adults laugh. He embraces Reid, staying close as they turn back to look at Hotch. His hands are shaking slightly, but for once it’s excitement and not fear that’s pulsing through his veins. He takes a deep breath.

“Aaron, I remember that I was actually kind of scared of you when I met you for the first time,” Spencer admits. “I know I wasn’t much back then, and when you looked at me with those eyes-” the team laughs “-I thought for sure that you were going to see straight through me and tell me to go home.” The young man smiles fondly at his partner. “But you gave me a chance, and for that, I will always be grateful. You not only taught me how to profile but also how to be strong and passionate, how to trust and love in a way I never thought I’d be able to. Every day I spend with you makes me a better person, but even if I spent a hundred years with you I still wouldn’t be close to the man that you are.”

“When I got sick, I didn’t tell you - not because I didn’t care about you but because I didn’t want you to see me like that.” He glances over to where his mom is sitting and gives her a smile. “But you saw me anyway. You carried through some of the worst moments in my life, and you turned them into some of my happiest memories. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I can’t even fathom what my life would look like right now without you.”

“I love you so much, Aaron. I love how your values never waver and how you always put family above all else, and I vow that for the rest of my life I will do the same for you and Jack.” He sniffles and wipes a tear from his cheek. Hotch is already crying. “I promise to never take you for granted and to always remind you how much you are loved because you mean more to me than I could ever put into words. You’re my rock, Aaron. And I’m so lucky that you’re going to be my husband, too.” Reid ducks his head slightly, indicating that he’s done. Hotch does the same to mask his tears.

It takes a moment for Rossi to collect himself. Eyelids fluttering, he takes a deep breath and continues. “Aaron Edison Hotchner, do you take Spencer Walter Reid to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, for richer or for poorer, and to be true and loyal to him for as long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” Hotch affirms immediately.

“And Spencer Walter Reid, do you take Aaron Edison Hotchner to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, for richer or for poorer, and to be true and loyal to him for as long as you both shall live?”

Reid has a huge smile on his face. “I do.”

“The couple will now exchange rings.” Dave turns. “Jack?” The boy comes forward and presents the wedding rings. He hands the first one to Reid.

Spencer gently takes his partner’s hand. With a smile, he slips the gold band onto his ring finger. “With this ring,” he says. “I vow to love and honor you from this moment forever.” Reid gives Hotch’s hand a quick squeeze before letting it go.

Hotch takes the second ring from his son and does the same, lightly squeezing Reid’s hand as he slides the band onto his ring finger. “With this ring, I vow to love and honor you from this moment forever.”

“Spencer and Aaron, you have come today of your own free will and in the presence of family and friends have declared your love and commitment to each other. You have given and received a ring as a symbol of your promises.” Rossi smiles as he looks between his two friends. “By the power vested in me, it is my privilege to now pronounce you married. You may kiss one another.”

And they do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the final chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please let me know your thoughts in the comments, and visit me @jet-plane on Tumblr if you have requests/suggestions or just want to say hi!

**Author's Note:**

> I just hope you know  
> that if you say  
> good-bye today  
> I’d ask you to be true  
> ‘cause the hardest part of this  
> is leaving you  
> \- “Cancer” by My Chemical Romance


End file.
